My biggest fear has come true.
My 18 year old brother in law (husband's brother) is expecting his first baby and I am still failing at making my husband a father.
He is devasted, I am devasted for him and to top it all off my parents in law just got off the phone with him, they just needed to tell him how happy they are to finally be grandparents, and shame on him for making them wait so long. I kid you not.
My poor love.
Monday, 13 June 2011
Thursday, 9 June 2011
When it all Started
My husband and I have been married for 14 months now (April 2010) but we moved in together about eight months before the wedding and while living in this pre ttc, wedding planning bliss I realised one day at the end of that January that I was 7days late and at the same time realised the 10 trips to the loo every 30 min were not normal as were some other tiny "symptoms".
Thats the day I discovered Dr google, I mean I had been an internet junkie for as long as I could remeber and had been in love with google ever since my first year at university when I realised typing an assignment question into google is actually all you need to do and voila your paper is written. However I had never used google as my Dr who should and will from that day foward diagnose every twitch and cramp and cervical mucus and breast change as a Symptom for pregnancy.
To get back to this day in January, Dr google quickly informed me that all these "symptoms" meant that I was pregnant and just like that my life changed. I started obsessing about this "pregnancy", did we want it at this point? were we ready? I want to get sloshed at my wedding and party the night away with my friends and I can't while pregnant, .......... what a joke.
So when af had'nt shown up the following day I picked up a pregnancy test on my way home from work and when I got home went straight to the bathroom to find yes you guessed it af sitting there smiling at me from my panties saying "Hi there, missed me? false alarm, just wanted to fuck with you a bit, no need to go buying tests and getting emotional, its okay get out the tampons, game over. I took the test anyway and there it was my first BFN. I was 25 and this was the first time I had ever taken a pregnancy test (even after 4 years of the pull out method I had never had a "scare" that right there should have been a warning sign). Sitting on the toilet staring at that one line is the moment I caught the baby bug (is there medication one can take for this?). When my fiance came home I broke down in tears and told him the events of the past 2 days, he comforted me as best as he could and 6 days later in early February we started ttc.
Sometimes I wish we had'nt opened that pandora's box and maybe now we would be in the 2nd month of ttc still "having fun trying" and we both could have enjoyed a much better first year of marriage just having fun and even though we would have faced the same drama over the next sixteen months we would at least have postponed the pain.
Oh - the anguish begins again today, CD1.
Thats the day I discovered Dr google, I mean I had been an internet junkie for as long as I could remeber and had been in love with google ever since my first year at university when I realised typing an assignment question into google is actually all you need to do and voila your paper is written. However I had never used google as my Dr who should and will from that day foward diagnose every twitch and cramp and cervical mucus and breast change as a Symptom for pregnancy.
To get back to this day in January, Dr google quickly informed me that all these "symptoms" meant that I was pregnant and just like that my life changed. I started obsessing about this "pregnancy", did we want it at this point? were we ready? I want to get sloshed at my wedding and party the night away with my friends and I can't while pregnant, .......... what a joke.
So when af had'nt shown up the following day I picked up a pregnancy test on my way home from work and when I got home went straight to the bathroom to find yes you guessed it af sitting there smiling at me from my panties saying "Hi there, missed me? false alarm, just wanted to fuck with you a bit, no need to go buying tests and getting emotional, its okay get out the tampons, game over. I took the test anyway and there it was my first BFN. I was 25 and this was the first time I had ever taken a pregnancy test (even after 4 years of the pull out method I had never had a "scare" that right there should have been a warning sign). Sitting on the toilet staring at that one line is the moment I caught the baby bug (is there medication one can take for this?). When my fiance came home I broke down in tears and told him the events of the past 2 days, he comforted me as best as he could and 6 days later in early February we started ttc.
Sometimes I wish we had'nt opened that pandora's box and maybe now we would be in the 2nd month of ttc still "having fun trying" and we both could have enjoyed a much better first year of marriage just having fun and even though we would have faced the same drama over the next sixteen months we would at least have postponed the pain.
Oh - the anguish begins again today, CD1.
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
As it turns out today is cd 27 for me and the nightmare begins all over again (or maybe not). This is the day when my hope is at the highest and at the lowest. As of now af has not come to ruin my day I am still on a bit of a high fantasising that this is it, af will stay away and I will finally have my long desired BFP but alas my cynical(self preservation) self comes out and lets me know that no, this is not your month it has never been your month and nothing has changed that will make this one your month.
You see adding to my cynicism/reality check is that I have never had a BFP. Ever. Not even once in my 26 years and 9 (about 16 months of ttc but still me and my then boyfriend now husband used the pull out method for at least 4 years prior to this and nothing) years or so of having sex have even had an oops and yet each month I stupidly hope that this month is the one, sigh. But I digress...
So today is the day CD27 my day of anguish and hope.
You see adding to my cynicism/reality check is that I have never had a BFP. Ever. Not even once in my 26 years and 9 (about 16 months of ttc but still me and my then boyfriend now husband used the pull out method for at least 4 years prior to this and nothing) years or so of having sex have even had an oops and yet each month I stupidly hope that this month is the one, sigh. But I digress...
So today is the day CD27 my day of anguish and hope.
Friday, 27 May 2011
The pink elephant
My mother and I talk about one a day, and I talk to my mother in law once a week or so. Both of these woman desperately want me to have a baby for me and for their own personal reasons one of these being "to make your marriage stronger", anyway they used to ask me all the time about what progress we are making and after a year of the same answer they have stopped asking.
It seems to me that I should be relieved by this new turn of events but after a couple of weeks of them not asking I started to feel like they are feeling not guilt as I had assumed for making me feel like there is something wrong with me for giving them the great news they wanted to hear but because they feel sorry for me which is so much worse, I mean i dont want for them to keep asking me but I would rather that than them pitying me and making a deliberate effort to not only avoid the subject all together but also avoid talking about other people's babies or even pregnancy in general.
I have over the past few weeks started avoiding their calls which hurts me more than I can describe.
Infertility has robbed me already of so much and I am only 15 moths in ( hopefully 15 months is it and i will fall pregnant this month, and now with that sentence i feel like i've just jinxed myself), please God dont let it rob me of my support system as well.
Fuck, this sucks.
It seems to me that I should be relieved by this new turn of events but after a couple of weeks of them not asking I started to feel like they are feeling not guilt as I had assumed for making me feel like there is something wrong with me for giving them the great news they wanted to hear but because they feel sorry for me which is so much worse, I mean i dont want for them to keep asking me but I would rather that than them pitying me and making a deliberate effort to not only avoid the subject all together but also avoid talking about other people's babies or even pregnancy in general.
I have over the past few weeks started avoiding their calls which hurts me more than I can describe.
Infertility has robbed me already of so much and I am only 15 moths in ( hopefully 15 months is it and i will fall pregnant this month, and now with that sentence i feel like i've just jinxed myself), please God dont let it rob me of my support system as well.
Fuck, this sucks.
Thursday, 26 May 2011
CD 27
I titled my blog this because this is the last day of my cycle and the day after which my period will come to ruin my month, at least the preceding 2 weeks of hope.
After cd 27 I no longer have anything to hope for, anything to look foward to, its once again all over and a new month of drama starts.
Cd27 is also the happiest day of my month because this is day when if my period is even a second late I go into raptures of hope and excitement, if only I could bottle that feeling for the following day when cd1 inevitably comes rolling on and those feelings are replaced with despair and anguish not to mention the cramps and headaches that accompany af.
So here is to Cd27 my best and worst day.
After cd 27 I no longer have anything to hope for, anything to look foward to, its once again all over and a new month of drama starts.
Cd27 is also the happiest day of my month because this is day when if my period is even a second late I go into raptures of hope and excitement, if only I could bottle that feeling for the following day when cd1 inevitably comes rolling on and those feelings are replaced with despair and anguish not to mention the cramps and headaches that accompany af.
So here is to Cd27 my best and worst day.
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
month 15 trying
Its been over a year of ttc for me and my hubby and the strain is strating to show, hopefully this blog will help me cope and stop my husband pouring acid down his neck in an effort to escape the constant ttc topic.
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